GULP!

My heart is in my throat right now. I just received the paperwork to submit an ad for the senior ad pages in the back of the yearbook. That would be for my Tyler.

That would be why I'm on medication-HA!!!!

How do you get here? Life passes so quickly. I can't believe that my Tyler is nearly a grown man. Not that he's all that mature. But in 4 months, he'll be 18...a legal adult. I'm a little bit afraid. Afraid for him, but mostly and selfishly afraid for me. He's mine! And we've been through so many trials and tribulations through this 18 years. Where did 18 years go? As I folded his fresh-from-the-dryer jeans this afternoon, I asked myself, "How much longer will I be folding his laundry?". My emotions and life started changing about 2 years ago, with the realization that time was passing quicker than I really wanted it to. All the questions come running through my brain...have my own faults and failures ruined Tyler? Has my selfishness played some terrible part in any lack of judgement on his part? Have I passed along traits to Tyler that I would never want him to possess.

The devil can eat away at your soul with questions like that. And it's certainly too late for me to try to instill in him the things that he desperately needs to know. Tyler is a wonderful young man! I'm proud of how "good" he has turned out to be. He doesn't get into trouble (except with us concerning his grades!!!)...no drugs, alcohol, sex, gangs, etc. He is a huge blessing to so many people. However, as his parents, Dean & I are able to get a bird's eye view of Tyler and where he could be headed. Being good natured isn't good enough to eat off of. And his looks, while heart-stopping in this Moms opinion, won't pay the bills.

Does he understand the concept of hard work? Does he know how harsh the world can be?

I am plagued with thoughts of things I'll never get to do with him again. It's torture, quite frankly! I'll never get to pick him up and put him over my shoulder to pat his back again. I won't be looking for clothing in his size at the consignment sale ever again (he's been out of that for about 4 years now!). I'll never get to rock him to sleep again. Are you crying yet? I am.

It seems that reality can only be pushed back for so long. And then you must face it. My only hope for my son, and even for me...is...

Christ.

I can't imagine what it must have been like for God to watch Jesus grow up. To watch Him be such a pure and innocent person. To be hailed as Master & King one week, and be despised the next. To have formed baby Jesus in Mary's womb, and then have to totally separate Himself from Jesus during the crucifixtion. I can't imagine.

And so thinking about Christ changes my perspective. For all the meds I joke about, and all those times I say "spank 'em!", these are the best years of my life. Dean & I came to that conclusion some years back, when things were so crazy with the kids being all much younger. My Mother said the same thing to me years ago.

This is life.

Live it out loud, as Brother Ron encourages us to do. Those rocking chair moments will be gone so quickly. Those back scratches at bedtime will be grown out of. And when your precious children are standing over you, as my precious son is now towering over me, you'll wonder where the time went. At some point, you'll miss the years when you had your little ones around you, safe & secure. The time before life changed so drastically and they were forced to experience pain, hurt, rejection, and the challenges of growing up.

I'm much older now. There are things that I would have taught Tyler way back when, if I'd known then what I know now. Hindsight really IS 20/20. But in all my imperfections, I've been with Tyler throughout his life. When there was nobody, there was Tyler and me. And in the beginning, I even had to fight for him. The fight was well worth the prize...my son.

Tyler has walked with God for most of his life. I've given him over to the Lord so many times. This time is no different. At this point, all I can do is place Tyler in God's hands.

Which is the best place I could ever hope for him to be.