**********This is your warning that this entry has only been made because I had to "get this out". I can't even make sense of it myself, so you may not want to read past this point. In all seriousness, your opinion of me may change after having read this. You may think that I really am crazy. And maybe I am. And at the risk of sounding pious...God is my absolute. And even putting that into words and recording it where someone could read it, grieves me. It grieves me. But for my own sanity, I must selfishly put this into words as best I can. All praise to Him. For I am not worthy. And if you don't understand the language that I am speaking...don't continue to read this. Because I can't explain it to you the next time I see you. I don't know how.**********

I don't know if I can even put into words the absolute truth that God has shared with me this morning.

It is so much bigger than me.

Let me say that this morning, God gave me a sliver of a glimpse into glory.

I am not worthy to have understood the truth that He revealed to me.

The best way I know how to describe it is that it's like when you've heard a spiritual truth 1,000 times in your life and you've even studied it and can teach it and can preach it and know it inside and out...and then...

God reveals it to you...and you can't believe that all those years of reading it, hearing it, teaching it, preaching it...KNOWING IT...have all been only a scratch of your understanding of it.

"It" is a spiritual truth. And the reason I'm so floored is that God did not stay His hand in revealing it to me this morning...rather He did stay His hand or I would not even be physically sitting here. And I know this because I know that in general, we can only handle a certain level of the revelation of His truth. Beyond that, we are so blown away that we can't exist on this planet anymore.

I know that it sounds like I have really lost my mind this time. But I haven't. I just can't explain what God did.

It's when you know how unworthy you are...and I don't mean unworthy in a specific sense. I mean unworthy in general, actually. But you know how unworthy you are, and how God has used you to bless His heart ANYWAY.

Along the lines of when the temple was being built and the people were praising and thanking God for giving them the gifts that they could give back to Him. They were saying how unworthy they were to be used to bless His heart. And they were thanking Him that He used them to bless His heart and others, anyway.

I want to say it's being sold-out for Christ. But that's so self-righteous that to use that terminology makes me sick. Because I'm only "sold out" for Him because He made me to be. So that didn't even come from me. I want to say it's a willingness to have these God-given gifts used by Him. But that sounds so pompous to my ears now, that I can't imagine saying it...or even thinking it. Because my willingness is not even my own.

I am a flake. A speck of dust. A lower than could ever be imagined, piece of humanity. But that's not what makes me feel bad. That's not what makes me know how incredible God really is.

It's getting a glimpse into His willingness to use me anyway. It's that glimpse mixed with my own regular knowledge that I'm unworthy that has completely blown my mind this morning. It has taken my breath. To know these things and have that tiny look from Him into myself and how He has chosen me for Himself anyway...I can't put it into words.

And you know what? It absolutely has nothing to do with bad choices I've made in the past or any ugliness in my heart towards somebody else or anything even remotely like that. It has to do with the fact that I was BORN that way...I was BORN into sin. I was BORN unworthy already...and no sin I chose to add to that, made it any worse, and no good decision I've made since birth has improved upon that except the decision I made to give my heart and life to Christ.

That He would use me ANYWAY. In spite of my unworthiness...the unworthiness I was born with...has blown my mind today.

I don't want to talk about it. But I don't want to forget the insight that He revealed to me.

And here's my prayer, which I don't even have accurate words to express:

God,
I am so unspeakably unworthy. My request that you use me to bless YOUR heart, I am not worthy to make. The very request, God. Not because I think I'm a bad person or because I lack confidence in myself. Those are only add-ons. But because I see and know how utterly powerless I am to bring anything to you of value. And to top that off, You GAVE me things to bring to You that are worthy. Do you understand that, God? Of course You do....because no matter how gibberish any of my words are, and no matter how I may try to explain it to You...You already know. And You know what You've done to me this morning. This very day. And you know I can't describe it...I can only blabber in a way that seems like foolish nothingness to anyone who may read it. I was "sold out" for Christ before. I was willing before. AND I WAS SAVED, before. But now...I am obligated to You with ever fiber of my being, Lord. In a way that I don't even understand. And in this moment of my life, all I can think to do is say "Thank You". As pathetically insufficient as that is. There's not even a picture that I can post that's worthy enough to describe this particular blog. That glimpse is far beyond what we think humility is. Because when we think we are humble, we are nowhere close. And the crazy thing is that I can't think of anything that led up to the point in which You opened Heaven's door to Your Truth to allow me to see that tiny sliver. In studying You this morning...and only beginning with my pathetic description of humility and prayers of humility, can I even think of a starting point for why you would reveal that sliver to me. And to explain any of this is beyond my capabilities. Because I can't even understand it. Much less explain it. All I know is that I have to write it out. And maybe I can function past this very minute.

Thank You God.

And to anyone who has dared to read this entry up to this point...I post this advice...

Anything you ever attempt or do for God that blesses others or blesses His heart has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. And others will think it at least has your name attached. But it doesn't. Our ability to even take a breath is not our own ability. And I can tell you this...I will never ever get over my devotion to my God. And it hurts to even say that because I know someone will think I'm being self-righteous. But I only have that devotion because God gave it to me. It is entirely His doing and has nothing to do with my lame attempt at using His gifts. Not my flesh and bones. Not my eyes...not my mind...not my will...not my existence..and certainly not my name. And anything that I am currently a part of, in an attempt to bring glory and honor to Him, is something that I don't even want you to remember my name with. Only remember "that girl that desperately wanted to do something for Him". In fact don't even remember that it was a girl. And only use His Name to talk about it.

Only use His Name and His Existence...His Will...His Mind...His Eyes...His Flesh & Bones to describe the success of any attempts made to bring glory and honor to Him. Because guess what? The very idea that any creation could bring glory and honor to The Creator...the very idea is His. And every attempt towards that goal, is His. And every ounce of success, glory, and honor is His. We are His, if we lay ourselves down to actually be His. Face down. Not being able to credit ourselves with a 1/2 of a breath of doing anything on our own. And that goes against everything that you've ever been told, taught, done, understood, and believed. Because we're taught to have confidence in ourselves, right? We're taught to believe in ourselves, right? We're taught that if we study enough and try hard enough that we will make a great life for ourselves, right? If we work towards those goals, then we will be successful, right?

I charge you that all of those things will lead you only to experience the success that this world offers, and NOTHING...absolutely nothing that God actually has in store for you. And while we must do His work while we exist here. We must never be deceived into thinking that anything on this planet is anything compared to what we will experience when we leave this Earth, for those who love Him and really want to give up all that the Earth measures as successful...for what He has planned for us.

And how can I speak confidently of this? Because of that sliver. That revelation that I can't even accurately describe to you. This life hardly even holds a scratch of the mind blowing and firework exploding Truth that we will experience once it's gone.

I didn't die for a period this morning, coming back to you to blabber incoherently about what I saw. I'm not taking drugs...not even my OCD medicine right now. I'm not crazy. And I'm not contemplating any kind of big decisions concerning my life.

I am simply recording that I had a revelation this morning that I know came from God and that I can't put into words at all that would bring justice to being accurate to what He revealed to me.

So don't call a doctor. Don't call the luny bin. And don't read this entry over and over, trying to make sense of something that I can't even understand myself.

If you disregard my warning not to read this, to begin with...then all I can say is...forget who wrote this and forget where you saw it. Because I am not worthy.

But with all your understanding, live for Him. In as much as you can comprehend about your walk with Him...don't let anything petty OR anything you think is big, get in the way of serving Him. And know, in as much as you can comprehend this...know that everything you present pure-heartedly to God is just that...pure...and that it's accepted by Him and that it blesses His heart

(((((in the same way that our children can't understand how blessed we are by them in those times when they've presented something to us and we sit with tears rolling down our faces, not being able to make them understand how very much they've blessed our heart)))))

BECAUSE it came from Him in the first place.

I can't say anything else about it at this time.